my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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