then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
