I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
