P.S. I can't hear my feet
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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