Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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