she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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