My friends, they love my intelligence
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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