Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
