I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
