"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
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If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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