I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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