she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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