I puked a lego.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
