ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
