Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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