I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
