i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
