someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
