You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
