Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
