can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
