I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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