I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
