yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i think my tv is drunk
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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