i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
