Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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