last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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