HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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