I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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