stop calling my apartment porn island.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
