My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
