why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he shaved USA in his pubs
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
