I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
