3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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