plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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