I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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