Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
