You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
