I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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