my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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