you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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