We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
