True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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