Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
