I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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