Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
