I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
