I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
