My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
