Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
