farters have to be the big spoon...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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