...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
