So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
