I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
