dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
