so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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