i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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