Kareoke will never be a sober sport
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
