Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
